For those of you who were wondering where I’ve been:
- There are still Olympics events I haven’t watched yet. We’re not even discussing Junior Worlds.
- Blame my job, but also thank my job for making me wake up so early that 4:00 AM for the men’s short on Thursday morning didn’t feel like that big of a deal.
- I picked the wrong time to fall down the Black Mirror binge labyrinth, but I’ve seen all the episodes now. Except “San Junipero,” which I have now seen three times, and I’m 3 for 3 on crying at the end.
I took a mental health morning on Thursday, and as noted above, I started it as early as possible. I’ve learned that it’s better not to tweet before sunrise, especially if I’m calling technical elements or saying positive things about skaters that Twitter is mad at for reasons that I missed. Therefore, the following is a transcript of private chat with my friend Kamala, one-sided until just before the final warm-up group, when Kamala woke up and literally shared her dreams with me. (More on that later.) Some things to note when reading this:
- I’ve edited this to correct spelling and punctuation, decrease obnoxious caps lock and gratuitous swearing, erase a few missed jump calls from the record, and omit some (but not all) digressions unrelated to the sport of figure skating.
- If you’re aware that caffeine and I broke up for medical reasons in 2010 but occasionally hook up on weekends, and you’re concerned about my mention of coffee: high-quality decaf, a French press, and the placebo effect are remarkably powerful in combination.
- My friends and I have named the skating gods. They are Quadophilus, god of clean performances, landed jumps, and the kind of irrational skating fan love that makes you need a Tumblr vacation; Twizzlecoatl, goddess of failure and falls, bestowed equally among your favorites and un-favorites; and Sankaiten no Oni, the genderless trickster deity responsible for things like costume malfunctions, bugs on the ice surface, or landing all your jumps and then falling on a step sequence.
- The ISU is being unusually aggressive about taking down YouTube videos of Worlds. To protect accounts from unwanted attention, I’m not embedding any videos of programs. I hope you enjoy the substitutions I have made in their place.
first warm-up group
Hi, it is 4 AM and I am watching the men’s SP. The first group includes Brendan Kerry, Other Javi, the Turkish guy with the amazing hair, and some misc etc.
Slavik Hayrapetyan and his untied red bow tie are first. Gorgeous triple Axel with footwork in and out, and a triple salchow-triple toe loop because this is ladies’ or something. He could have been skating to spoken word poetry for all the generic choreography.
Brendan Kerry a little low/scratchy on his quad toe loop, but that GOE is a tragic lowball. Not spectacular, but good enough for the free skate. I suspect he’ll be in the lead for about 2 hours.
Javier Raya, aka Other Javi. Very underrotated triple Axel, hands down. Oy vey, the rest of this, why did I wake up? By which I mean, jazz cover of “Pure Imagination.” Exactly 50.00, okay then, judges.
Burak Demirboga‘s hair is going to be the best thing about this program, and that is not a knock against his skating. That triple Axel was very Satoko but hey, it went around. He’s slow and what are spin levels, but jumps look solid.
Let’s see if Chih-I Tsao shows up. It happens occasionally. Nope, fall on triple salchow. The rest has been fine. Really nice form on his camel spin.
second warm-up group
Group 2 includes Mariah Bell’s boyfriend, the Finnish guy who will never retire, whoever Britain sent, Julian Yee, and Jinseo.
Phillip Harris first, skating to non-obvious Muse. Niiiice triple Axel, then wonky shoot-the-duck twizzle out of triple flip-triple toe loop. He is very slow. Yikes, almost missed his change-foot hop in camel spin. Some definite LOLevels in this one.
Romain Ponsart actually landed his quad toe loop! And his triple Axel, so maybe France will be vindicated in this choice. 79.55, into first! But a little bit like the judges said, “Nah, not quite an 80.”
Grandpa Valtter Virtanen of Finland next. Aww, splat on quad toe loop.
Julian Yee: his program remains very pretty.Low triple Axel landing, but held on. Gorgeous triple flip triple toe loop in second half. Spins have been great, too – fast and centered. The crowd loves it.
Jinseo Kim looks super nervous. His landings are insane as usual. Single Axel, oops. I am so ready for my Zamboni nap.
Third warm-up group
Group 3 is Kazuki, Donovan Carrillo, and assorted European whatever. Igor Reznichenko is up first, skating to Josh Farris’s cut of Josh Farris’s music, which should be made illegal by ISU rules. This is pretty much choreography-free entertainment, and look, three double jumps in a row.
Go Tomoki! I mean Kazuki Tomono, sheesh it is early. Fun fact: the coffee is brewing, so my brain should get better. Stunning quad salchow. The crowd is screaming and they should be. This should be the first of the day to beat Carolina.
Abzal Rakimgaliev landed his triple Axel, so Kazakhstan can be proud for the first time all season. The rest, not so great. Also, I have coffee now.
It should be noted that during the score breaks, I am gradually watching a 10-minute video in which the United States Army Field Band visits a music professor with a collection of weird saxophones.
Nick Vrdoljak of Team New Jersey next, aka Croatia. He’s actually from the Chicago area but counts as Team NJ because having spent time in both, I can say that Hinsdale is basically North Jersey. Triple flip-triple toe loop was nice, but the rest has been tragic.
Do it for your mom, Donovan Carrillo! Clean triple flip-triple toe loop – he rotates very fast. Clean skate for him! Hard to ask for better than that. His spins are just delicious. Pretty sure he’s not going to qualify through, but he has made his point. Someone get him a real coach and a triple Axel.
Close your legs in the kiss & cry, Donovan. We can see everything.
fourth warm-up group
Group 4 is Lutzin’ Azeri Larry, Paul Fentz and his jazz Wonderwall, Stephane Walker, Ivan Pavlov, and Keegan. There’s going to be a lot of splat before we get to Keegan. In other news, the US Army Field Band’s YouTube channel is a treasure trove of unironic kitsch. There is an all-trombone Star Spangled Banner and the above dose of daily joy. If nothing else, this early morning has given me the gift of the band geek side of YouTube.
Time for Larry Loupolover, though. He did not attempt the quad lutz, because apparently it’s not Insanity Day. Negative grades of execution on more than one spin, LOL. He’s from Brooklyn; does that count as part of the sovereign state of New Jersey? Probably not – I know how long it takes to get from Newark Airport to Brooklyn, and it’s not pretty.
Paul Fentz: I have muted jazz “Wonderwall” and replaced with the Canadian Brass playing “Flight of the Bumblebee” on the tuba. Fentz landed a beautiful quad toe loop-triple toe loop and triple Axel! It does not line up with tuba bumblebee but I am 1000% less traumatized. Another athlete with lovely form in his camel spin. You could serve tea on that free leg.
I thought Stephane Walker was Alex Johnson for a second. Hard fall on his triple Axel, ouch. World’s saddest attempt at a catch-foot turn in his footwork to triple loop, but the jump itself was nice. That was not entirely tragic but should give Julian Yee a shot at the free skate.
I am predicting a big pile of disappointment for Ivan Pavlov, but sometimes he surprises me. Yeah, that was some kind of dramatic Axel fail. There was almost an extra Axel on the end as he went sprawling into the ice. This is the kind of performance where you get an email notification on your phone, and it’s the waste services company verifying that it has received your payment, and you’re like “Way harsh, Tai.” I mean, his illusion mesh gloves are a good five shades darker than his skin, but it’s not an actual dumpster situation, Republic Services.
Walker put Julian Yee through to the free skate, by the way, and now Pavlov has kicked Phillip Harris through.
Good morning, Keegan Messing, you ray of sunshine, conveniently timed with the actual sunrise. A little low in the knee on his quad toe loop-triple toe loop, but difficult entrance. Really, why am I nitpicking? He’s getting huge grades of execution for these jumps, and I can’t disagree. Great control on that change-foot sit spin too. He stays right on the ball of his foot. It’s more visible because there has been some real failspinning in this group. Messing is elated. That was spectacular. I am so glad I got out of bed for this.
One more epic fail puts Slavik into the free skate; two more epic fails and Donovan qualifies. Hear my prayers, O Twizzlecoatl.
fifth warm-up group
This group is Brez, Moris(i), Matteo “hardest working man in skating business” Rizzo, Majorov, and Nam. Just looking at this crew, I predict that Donovan is going to get a free skate.
Michal Brezina is rocking a 90’s white boy flat top that is truly off the rails. It is seriously the hair of the douchiest kid in my Hebrew school class. Here is the most hideous quad salchow we will see all day. Lovely triple Axel, and oops, triple-double combination. He’ll get bumped enough on program components to qualify through, but he’s going to be skating early in the morning on Saturday. He and Rafael Arutunian are arguing in the K&C about what went wrong with that salchow.
Morisi Kvitelashvili: Well, that was an Axel attempt, I guess. Also an attempt to beat Brez for this morning’s most tragic quad salchow, but Brez’s was worse. Fall on quad toe loop with such a wtf takeoff that I thought it was a triple loop. Slavik is going to the free skate, because what an unholy mess this was. Shall we blame Eteri like the rest of the internet will?
I was playing with my phone and wondering why the crowd was screaming and then realized it’s time for Matteo Rizzo. May he skate like he did at the Olympic team event and make Italy proud. Massive triple Axel! A little tilty on his triple flip, and a 3-turn out, but this is the least embarrassing performance in a while. I’m happy for him not imploding on home ice. Also, on a day when many pairs of pants have fit very well, these pants fit especially well.
OMG CLOSE YOUR LEGS IN THE K&C, part two. The crowd is booing a score that seems very reasonable for what was performed.
Alexander Majorov, skating to a song I love. Please don’t get a nosebleed, buddy – Sweden needs you. Nailed the quad toe loop! Nice spiral entrance into triple Axel and right into a flying camel spin. A little low on the landing but positive grades of execution: the judges were equally impressed by the composition there. Sweden should be ashamed for not letting him do this at the Olympics. Basically tied with Kazuki and Fentz, not sure I cosign that.
Nam Nguyen next, and I possibly should have Irished this coffee. He has ended the quad salchow death streak, but that’s about it for positive accomplishments. Scary fall on his triple Axel, kind of spread eagled out of it before he went down, pretty sure it didn’t go all the way around. This could send Donovan to the FS, especially since Nguyen just got slapped with a level 2 on his steps. Yep, below Donovan. Yikes.
Sixth warm-up group
This next group is just wall-to-wall stress. Danny Salmon, Vincent, Max, Denisssssss, Keiji, Misha Ge. Please don’t die on the ice, all of you!
They are introducing Speedy as the Honorary President of the ISU, holy cow. Seriously, he was forced out in the wake of scandal and disapproval, let’s not pretend anyone here is happy to see him.
Daniel Samohin brushed the ice with his fingertips on the quad toe loop and still managed a triple toe loop on the end. I’m not sure how that magic happened, but I’m not questioning it. The quad salchow is not normally a roll-out skill, Danny. I need an ice pack just looking at him. Also he biffed a spin and got a level 1 with negative grades of execution. So. . . could have been worse?
Go Vincent Zhou! I’m watching so many of these programs and thinking of how much I will miss them when skaters get new choreography. That was a fucking stunning quad lutz-triple toe. He got 19.04 for that one jumping pass! Where was this the rest of the season, Vincent? 96.78 and somehow I’m offended by how low that score is. Brezina beat him on components.
Max Aaron, for reasons known only to the United States Figure Skating Association. Hand down on his quad salchow, speaking of doing things better than Brezina and probably not getting any respect for it. Level 2 camel spin, obviously. This is sad in a quiet way. Dear USFSA, next time just send Grant Hochstein. Or Jimmy Ma.
Deniss Vasiljevs: Very nice triple lutz-triple toe loop, gorgeous triple Axel, clean skate, hooray! Now it’s time for gratuitous spin porn, which is a big improvement on gratuitous man spreading in the K&C. The crowd is screaming for Besti squat into flying sit spin, and I must say I agree. He’s in third, and the birds outside my window are singing happy songs just for him.
Stephane Lambiel’s caramel-colored cardigan over a vintage floral print button-down is my gender identity.
Keiji Tanaka landed his quad salchow! One of the best triple-triples all day, too. And then a double Axel because we all got cocky, and Twizzlecoatl punished us. That could have been much worse, although I wanted more showmanship from him. Whew, it still broke 80.
And now for what might or might not be Misha Ge‘s final competitive performance. One Never Knows. Slow exit from his triple Axel, and oy, you cannot drink tea off that camel spin free leg. Three landed jumping passes – good for him – but everything is a wee bit scratchy and off his edges. I feel like a judge in late stage Top Chef, like, “Someone is going to go home for a good dish here.” The judges gave him higher components scores than Deniss, because they’re assigning based on seniority today, I guess.
zamboni break
I am sending a tape of this to Denise Myers, because I could not imagine a better short program for Bradie Tennell for next season. Dean Girls forever!
I’m not saying she should skate in a loosened tie and a trench coat, but I’m also not saying she shouldn’t.
The following is a special presentation by Kamala.
Hiii, I’m awake a little early because I had a weird dream. An uplifting dream, but weird nonetheless.
TFS: You dreamed that Donovan Carrillo qualified for the free? Because that dream is real.
No, I dreamed that a certain skater was my high school SO and led me on a spiritual journey of all my anxieties and fears and told me it was okay to love myself and that I and the world both deserve better than me hiding myself away due to fear of failure.
TFS: Which skater?
ZACH LAGHA Somehow??? Also featuring me stopping him mid speech about how I am beautiful and will find love and going “Wait, how old are you again? I don’t know if I’m comfortable with this.” And then he went, remember Junior Worlds? I’m two years younger than you, its fine, don’t worry about it.
And then at the end he held me as I cried and encouraged me to let go of my burdens and move on to the future and kissed me goodbye. And then I said, “Wait, do I have to stan for you and Marjorie now?”
And he told me that he has been trying to teach me that life is full of MY choices to make, for me, and not for anyone else, because I deserve to be happy. And then said, “But if you want to, that would be nice.” And that was the dream.
it’s the final warm-up
Shoma’s planned content includes a triple salchow-triple toe loop.
I think that planned content sheet is his coaches’ way of acknowledging they have no idea what he’s going to do. Or foot injury. But I bet whatever we see, it’s not going to be a damn 3S-3T.
Mikhail Kolyada opens with a perfect quad toe loop-triple toe loop,
2.60 GOE because the judges are nodding and clapping too. Smart of him to do that and not the lutz, which he would have screwed up. Oh, Misha, that was beautiful, why can’t you do that every time? He broke 100, because the judges have officially run out of chill.
I have to support Alexei Bychenko because my brother took one look at his “Hava Nagila” during the Olympics and suddenly had a rooting interest in the sport of figure skating. Get that Bar Mitvah vibe one last time, buddy. Flawless triple Axel; quad toe loop a little out of circle, but who is complaining? He’s even getting real levels on some of his spins. Mazel tov, Alexei, all the mazels.
Don’t F**K it up, Nathan Chen! At the risk of getting redundant, I will miss this short program. Quad lutz less good than Vincent’s, and also what are spin levels, and also why am I so negative about what is clearly the best skate of this very long morning? I ship Nathan/actually landing his triple Axel. Look at that level 4 step sequence, just look at it, yep. THANK YOU NATHAN AND GOD BLESS AMERICA. Aww, he looks mad that it’s not his season’s best.
I have no faith in Dmitri Aliev’s ability to follow that. His hands are shaking, poor thing. Teensy edge issue on the quad lutz-triple toe loop takeoff but really, I am nitpicking that? I need a nap. Oh no, he repeated his triple toe, zero credit for that jumping pass. Sankaiten no Oni just woke up, I guess. Wow, just behind Paul Fentz.
Boyang Jin: we have reached the “Eh, not the best quad lutz I’ve seen today” portion of the morning. And, like, that is setting aside that we are getting A+ Boyang here. I see you fist pumping after your Axel! Wait, what is that score? He must have gotten an underrotation call but WHAAAAAT.
Shoma Uno and his bad foot are last to skate. Gorgeous quad toe loop of the Like It’s Hard variety. Shoma’s edges are why I get mad at so many other skaters about edges. That looked like a triple salchow-double toe loop and might be scored as such, yikes, not what I meant when I said I didn’t expect a 3S-3T. It is now Nathan’s Worlds to lose. Shoma probably should have sat this Worlds out, like a reasonable person. That score actually puts him in the conversation – he’s only a jump behind Nathan.
just when you thought it was over
I’m supposed to be doing this one work thing but instead I’m looking at protocols.
- Boyang’s underrotation call was on his quad toe loop.
- The judges support me in my grumbling about Misha Ge’s edges: he got an edge call on his triple flip.
- You know who got all level 4’s on non-jump elements? Alexander Majorov, thank you for your confidence, Swedish federation. He’s in the top 10 after the short, aka the potential they wanted him to show before the Olympics. Grades of execution on his quad toe loop ranged from -2 to +2, all righty then.
- Judge #3, did you button mash when you gave Max Aaron a +3 grade of execution on a spin? It’s not even the American judge. Kamala says, “Maybe they were looking at his butt?” Which is a plausible hypothesis.
Speaking of butts, I had to haul mine to work this morning but am back just in time for the third group of ladies in the free skate. I am not nearly hinged enough to be back on social media. I wish them safe landings, guided by the gentle hand of Quadophilus.
Hello! I really enjoy this blog! I just found it . . . this morning, in the wake of the World Championship’s men’s free skate. I really love how you are so lighthearted about the whole thing, but also very knowledgeable. Your breakdown of Jason and Shoma’s scores from last years Lombardia Trophy under the potential new points system was fascinating and very easy to understand, and helpful. So thank you for writing this blog. I will keep reading. Too bad the off season has now commenced though. *sigh*
Better late than never, and thanks for the kind words! It’s comments like this that keep me motivated to blog when I feel like I don’t have enough time to do it justice. I’ll have plenty to say during the off-season, starting with lists of highlights and lowlights from the past season.